


woke up an optimist

by palladium



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 10:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3323879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palladium/pseuds/palladium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>kaner reconstructs himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	woke up an optimist

**Author's Note:**

> originally written back in early 2014 or late 2013 with a twist that made everything longer, but i never finished it nor had the motivation to, so i'm only going to post the original first half that's slightly edited. sorry it's all lowercase!
> 
> set in the time when patrick was still kind of (mostly) a fuck-up, so in 2010-2013 or around there (but this one mostly focuses on his drinking). that's really the only way it'll make sense. and he's definitely, definitely grown.
> 
> title from fourfiveseconds by kanye/rihanna/paul

kaner used to drink after every difficult loss. he used to immerse himself in liquor until he was drowning; until sharpy's smiles and jokes would gradually turn into worried glances and caring touches. sharpy and bur used to be by kaner's side after those losses, knowing when he needed more and when he was done for the night. and johnny would usually be back at the hotel, suffocating himself in the shower with the water scorching, rinsing away stress, and that was how johnny would cope. kaner would cab home later, with sharpy and bur, and they would be dizzy and a little giggly, but all three of them knew that this doesn't help for the long run. kaner remembers one night like that, staring out at the window of the cab at the night lit up bright, fading away like photo after photo, and kaner would acknowledge that while he did this, johnny would be making the right decisions. kaner remembers thinking: that's why he's captain. and he'd smile.

drinking - was more of habit than anything else. it was kaner's way of coping; his way of celebrating, his way to let loose at whatever emotions he was having at that time. and before, johnny would look down on him because he didn't understand that it was kaner's -  _thing_. he didn't understand that kaner didn't just do it because he wanted to "act like an idiot" for everyone to see. johnny's captain: he's responsible and he's reliable, and  _goddamn_ , he's serious; but sometimes he didn't let anything else slip into any other categories. kaner, back then, was just a teammate who prided himself on being viewed as a pathetic representation of a grown adult, and johnny would look down on anyone like that. 

kaner decides that change is a necessity, though. because johnny was an anchor to him. johnny was someone that he looked up to. johnny had good hands and a good mindset and a good heart. he was a controlling asshole, sometimes, but sometimes for the better. kaner never does admit it out loud, but in secrecy, in the privacy of his own head, he will whisper it to himself and he would admire the way johnny worked. when he looked at johnny, he pushed himself, he thinks that he could be johnny, that if he does this, if he runs an extra lap, if he sweats hard and if he could just get an approving smile from johnny, then kaner would be good enough.

so he slowly changes. he starts cutting his habits. starts scheduling himself for everyday tasks, starts taking care of himself. johnny notices.

kaner thinks that it's good to change. it's good - especially - to change for johnny.

+

johnny stares at him, sitting from his bed, his suit neatly creasing along the contours of his body, and kaner stares back. "what?"

"you're not going out," johnny says, and it's not a question. it's confirmation; it's as if he's thinking aloud to himself.

kaner scoffs, leaning backwards to hit the bed. "damn right, i'm not."

johnny hums. "that's good." his voice is quiet, approving, like he's proud, and something runs down kaner's back and he feels appreciated. kaner turns his face into the sheets, because he feels  _nice_ , it feels good to have johnny praise him.

+

sometimes, it's just as hard to not go back to his old ways.

because on days where kaner knows he disappointed the team, on days where it seems that he only does worse when he tries playing harder than ever -  _those_  days are where kaner leaves the ice and into the locker room, sullen and quiet, eyes down and his hands clenched into fists.

but johnny will be there, now, these times, and he'll stop kaner with a hand on his shoulder and he'll lean right in, so close, and whisper: "work harder next time, kaner." it'll sound so generic, maybe even mocking, if someone else had said it instead, but it's johnny and johnny will look at him with a dark determination that sparks a fire in kaner every single time.

+

although bur leaves, sharpy is still there, and now there's shawzy and there's still seabs, sometimes. kaner hangs around them when he thinks being around johnny is too much. too much - of trying so hard to be something that johnny will notice. too much of his hands shaking too hard when johnny is too close, whispers too low, and kaner can't take that, not all the time.

so he hangs around sharpy. because sharpy is funny and he spoils kaner. he makes kaner feel carefree, so young, and in those moments, kaner will forget that he even needs to impress johnny.

"you're trying to impress tazer?" sharpy asks, his face twisted familiarly, as if he thought kaner was joking, but then it gets hard and serious. "what for?"

kaner shrugs. "it's not really impressing or anything. more like," he licks his lips, blinking slow and cautious of the way his hands twitch in his lap. "i want to be better. in general." the  _to him_  he doesn't say, because he doesn't need to tell other people that he just wants johnny to  _see_  that's he's here, and goddamn it, he's  _changed_.

sharpy makes a sharp laugh of disbelief. "what? for johnny? is this what this has been about, kaner? you don't want to be yourself anymore just because you think johnny is going to - what? look  _down_  on you?"

"look, man - " kaner sighs, he doesn't want to take this any further.

"kaner," sharpy says, his voice hard. "i know you're young, and i know you're goddamn stupid in the head sometimes, but fuck about changing yourself to impress someone else. be yourself - i  _know_  you're all about that. and that doesn't necessarily have to mean 'go out and act like a total fuck-up', but i'm not saying that you have to shut everything that's ever made you  _you_  out. and this, all this - for  _johnny_? because you think he wouldn't notice you if you didn't saddle up and grew up and start acting like an adult? you have to realize that he's  _always_  noticed you, regardless of what you've done. he's been noticing you since you even decided to worry about him noticing you."

kaner looks down. "it's not that - "

"it is, though. peeks - tazer doesn't just fucking  _notice_  you for crying out loud. you two have some -  _weird_  dynamic going on for years now that the guys and i will never understand. we just know that it's your guy's thing, it's your dynamic, it's your coping mechanism and whatnot and that's fine. it's all fine."

so kaner finally nods, because he doesn't -  _know_ , doesn't know what sharpy might be trying to refer to, but it seems like it's been evident since kaner and johnny were rookies and maybe,  _maybe_  this is normal.

+

johnny finally slides his keycard into the door and kaner follows him into the room, and for a second, it's dark and both of them don't move. the door closes slowly behind them and kaner -

kaner pulls on the back of johnny's suit, just a tug, and johnny turns suddenly. kaner just gets his head to tilt up before johnny's crowding him into the door and pinning him there, face indistinguishable in the darkness.

"why would you think i haven't noticed you," johnny says, softly, and a part of kaner wants to laugh because johnny never questions; he just says it like a statement in the tone that makes you want to answer him and it's unfair, kaner thinks.

"i matured," kaner replies, softly back, because that's what he's been trying to prove. and although the media has been trying to make it seem like he's been maturing through the years for his own public image, the real reason for it was because for  _this_ , right here, in the dark with johnny pressing him against the door. "i tried to."

"and i've seen," johnny answers, his voice sharper now, like he's angry that kaner hasn't realized. "kaner... what are you  _really_  trying to prove?"

"nothing," kaner says a little too quickly. he's not sure why, but johnny's always made him feel more on-edge, like he's being tested, like he's got to prove that he's  _good_  or else he's not  _worth it -_

"not _worth it_?" johnny repeats like he's been punched in the gut, and only then does kaner realize he'd said it out loud. he looks up a little too quickly, and johnny's figure is staring down at him. "are you  _kidding_  me?" kaner can almost feel the harsh gasp of johnny's words on his cheek; he feels skin-tight. "is that what this was really about?"

"okay," kaner says, finally, licking his lips over and over. his hands are sweating. "okay, i'm  _jealous_. that's what this was about. i'm jealous that you're - you're so effortless. everything you do, everything about you is effortless. you try hard and you get it. you don't try - and you still get it. you're just -  _you_ , alright, johnny? you're you. you're someone that i've been trying so hard to be, on the ice, off the ice, wherever. you take care of yourself so well, so  _fucking_  well, okay. and then there's me. who's a mess and even if i try my very fucking best, i get beat down and harder and harder until i finally find my way up again. and i try so fucking hard, johnny. i try so hard to be you. i tried so hard to be someone that you would  _notice_ ; that you would be impressed by, that you would be jealous of. i wanted to be  _you_ , fucking goddamn it. i wanted to be you and then i - " he's speaking too fast; he can't stop, not now, not ever. " - i wanted to be  _yours_." 

it's silent for a moment until johnny whispers, quiet in the dark of the room, "mine?" it barely sounds like a question.

kaner grips johnny's suit, not caring if it gets wrinkled. he's angry and he's frustrated but he doesn't understand how to display it. "you're an asshole." something kicks at kaner's stomach and then he leans up and kisses johnny. johnny's lips are warm and a little chapped, because he'd had a split lip a week or two ago, but kaner shifts his mouth at it and kisses him. 

when johnny finally catches up, the kiss turns into something bruising and deep, relentless and full of intent. johnny kisses like he wants to brand you with his lips alone; like maybe if he succeeds in kissing you hard enough, it'll save him from having to explain anything. kaner can feel the doorknob dig into his back, but he's too dizzy with johnny's warmth and his hands, holding him still at the hips, johnny's mouth over his.

it seems like time passes by so slow when they finally pull back. kaner's breathing is ragged, and he stares up at johnny, and johnny's staring back, his eyes dark. kaner knows his lips must look obscene - red, shiny, and bruising. he touches it, self-conscious, but johnny grabs his wrist and presses his thumb into his pulse.

and suddenly kaner is not so sure of anything again. "look, man, just - forget what i said." he discretely does not look at johnny, and instead looks down. "it's just," he licks his lips, but it's already wet and it feels -  _weird_. "i just wanted to change. i wanted to be better. i wanted to become responsible. and fuck if that doesn't sound ridiculous."

"it doesn't," johnny says, his voice hard, low. "you wanted to mature. you did."

kaner laughs at that, but there's no humour. he says, voice soft, "did i, though?"

johnny's thumb presses impossibly deeper, and kaner winces. "is this what this is about?" kaner blinks. "you - that. just now. what; did you just begin with developing whatever this is because of me? or is it something else?" 

"at first," kaner says, like he understands. he doesn't. "i thought it was just because i wanted to be better than you. i was jealous  _of_  you. i wanted to become everything you were. but - but then i realized i wanted to impress you because i - " he cuts off, but johnny urges him with his grip around his wrist. kaner's breath hitches. "because i liked -  _like_  you, okay, asshole? is that what you want to hear?"

johnny's silent for a moment until he says, "that's fucked up," but his voice is less dark, rough. kaner looks up and johnny's staring at him like he wants to kiss him again. "i've never seen you like this. like -  _this_ , where you're not sounding like a douche."

"look, could you possibly like, not, when i just basically confessed my feelings to you like a fourteen year old girl?" 

johnny laughs and kisses him. his thumb draws lines against his pulse and this time kaner kisses like he does understand. johnny presses soft into kaner's mouth, mutters something that sounds like a "me too, dumbass", then a quieter, sincere " _thank god_ ", while his other hand comes up to tilt kaner's head. kaner closes his eyes and grabs johnny's shoulder with his free hand. they stay like that for a long time.

"from now on, though," johnny says when he pulls away. "don't change. not for me, not for  _anyone_."

and kaner nods, because he doesn't have anyone else to change for anyway; just johnny. it's always just been johnny.

"yeah," he smiles. "i won't, cap."


End file.
